Out of Darkness
by High Stress Level
Summary: Returning to the Wizarding World after many years, Remus must face the demons of his past and try to pull his life together as the world prepares for the second rise of Voldemort. Abandoned WIP.
1. Chapter One

Title: Out of Darkness

Author: E. Kathleen Roper

Rating: R for future scenes

Pairing: Lupin/Snape with references to past Lupin/Black

Warnings: Slash, Violence, Drug and Alcohol Abuse, Suicidal Thoughts and Actions, Angst, Not for Sirius fans.

Summary: Returning to the Wizarding World after many years, Remus must face the demons of his past and try to pull his life together as the world prepares for the second rise of Voldemort.

Author's Note: This story has been previously posted, but is being rewritten in its entrity. While every single line has been changed, it is still essentially the same story.

Timeline: Set duringPrisoner of Azkaban.

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Chapter One: New Beginnings

_Tap, tap, tap..._

The room was dark, lit only by the thin, yellow hued bars of light that filtered in through the small, dingy window that was set high in the wall of the cramped Muggle flat. A man dressed in tattered clothes was slumped across the battered table, his outstretched hand curled loosely around a chipped glass that held several inches of cheap vodka.

_Tap, tap, tap..._

The night had been a long one. He had gone to work, some hours before sunset, only to be sent away with two days pay in his pocket and a firm warning not to return still ringing in his ears. The job hadn't been a good one, tending bar in a seedy, smoke filled pub, but it had paid the rent and put food on the table. Though admittedly, more of his pay had gone towards his next drink, than to food, as of late.

_Tap, tap, tap..._

It was almost laughable, really. He was a wizard, a good one at that, and he couldn't even keep a job in a filthy Muggle pub. Bad enough that he couldn't hold down a job in his own world, because of what he was. Yes, he could fool them for a time, but they always caught on soon enough. A few months and they would begin to suspect. They might buy the illness excuse for a while, but if he stayed long enough, the moon would always show them the truth.

_Tap, tap, tap..._

Now even the Muggles didn't want him. They might not believe in werewolves, but they certainly believed in drunks. Apparently Muggles are no happier to pay a drunk than wizards are to pay a monster. But no matter. He would find another job, somewhere. Perhaps a bookstore this time; pubs were just too much of a temptation. Several hours of serving drinks, and a man tended to get a bit thirsty himself.

_Tap, tap, tap..._

The incessant tapping finally worked its way through alcohol induced haze shrouding his mind and he jerked upright, spilling his drink as he reached reflexively for his wand, briefly forgetting that he no longer carried it. He blinked blearily around the room, searching for the source of the noise, before his eyes lit on the window and the owl perched outside.

An owl? "Bloody thing must be lost," he muttered to himself, "haven't gotten an owl in years." The window groaned in protest as he forced it open, and the owl hopped down onto the table, seeming to give him a disapproving glare as it held out its leg impatiently so that he could remove the attached letter. It took several tries before his numbed fingers managed to unfasten the knots holding the letter in place, and once he had freed it, he had to hold it at arm's length and blink repeatedly before the words stopped swimming long enough for him to see that it was indeed addressed to him.

His name, Remus Lupin, was scrawled across the front of the letter in a familiar, flowing script, and flipping it over he saw the distinctive seal of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. "Hogwarts. What in the hells does Dumbledore want now?" He could vaguely remember speaking with the man a few weeks ago. Or had it been months? Dumbledore had said something of troubled times ahead, and had hinted that perhaps it was time for Remus to return to the Wizarding World. But certainly he had made his intentions to remain here clear. Hadn't he? There was no place for him there, not anymore.

With a sigh, he righted his glass, ignoring the spilled liquor on the table, and splashed another few inches of the clear liquid into the glass. After taking several sips to steady himself, he ripped open the envelope and squinted at the letter. He had to read it through three times before the contents fully sank in. Dumbledore was asking him to return to Hogwarts. As a professor.

Laughing bitterly, he drained his glass and read the letter yet again. So. Dumbledore wanted him to teach Defence Against the Dark Arts. Yes, it made a morbidly funny kind of sense. As a creature of darkness himself, he would be in the perfect position to teach others about the Dark Arts. "And tonight, class, we'll be learning about werewolves. I'll just lock myself in that cage over there, and as soon as the moon rises, you'll know exactly what a werewolf looks like. Won't that be educational?"

After fumbling for a pen, he scrawled the word "NO" in large letters on the back of the parchment before stuffing it back into the envelope and reaching out to return it to the owl. But then he froze, his hand hovering uncertainly a few inches away from the impatient owl.

True, there was no place he wanted to revisit less than his old school. There were simply too many memories. The bad memories he could handle, he faced those every day, but there were pleasant memories as well. He wasn't certain that he could stand the constant reminders that he had once been happy. The laughter of children, and countless smiling faces might well be all that was needed to finally push him over the edge.

Releasing the letter, and allowing it to flutter to the floor, he dropped his head to the table again and laced his fingers protectively over his neck. He could feel the cold, wet puddle of spilled vodka beneath his cheek. "Over the edge," he muttered darkly to himself. "And what, Lupin, makes you think that you haven't fallen over already?"

The very fact that he used more words in speaking aloud to himself, than he did in talking to actual people, should have been a fair indication that he had fallen long ago. His life had been on a downhill slide for years. Ever since...Sirius. Before, it hadn't mattered quite so much that he couldn't find steady work. With the war, there hadn't even really been time to try. And at least he had been useful, then.

But then everything had changed; in an instant, his entire world had been shattered. James, Lily, Peter...Sirius. All of them gone, one way or another. The war was over, and all that was left to do was rebuild. But Remus had had nothing left to rebuild; the pieces of his life were irrevocably broken. So he had simply slipped away and tried to start anew. In time, he had found even that impossible, and had left the Wizarding World altogether.

He had made a clean break from his old life, and no one had sought him out. Not until now. Now Dumbledore was offering him a second chance.

There was nothing left for him here, just as he had thought there was nothing left for him before. Could he really go back? Was there really still a place for him, somewhere? Sitting up and reaching for the fallen letter, he knew that he had to try.


	2. Chapter Two

See first chapter for notes and warnings.

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Remus spent his first dinner as a Hogwarts professor staring blankly into space. Though he had tried to conjure up sufficient mental energy to pay attention to the sorting ceremony, he couldn't really bring himself to care, and the seemingly endless stream of first year students passed by all but unnoticed. He plastered a rather fake smile on his face, which he hoped looked convincing enough to anyone who might take notice, and pretended to listen to Dumbledore's start of term speech.

The speech apparently hadn't changed since he had been a student himself; it was doubtful that he would miss anything of importance. When a brief smattering of applause broke out, he glanced up, hoping the speech was at an end, and -- by the multitude of curious stares directed at him -- realised that he had just been introduced as the new Defence Against the Dark Arts professor.

Forcing another smile, he nodded to the others seated at the staff table, and the smile was returned by all but one. One pair of very dark, and very familiar eyes were glaring back at him from just down the table. Drawn by those eyes, Remus turned fully to see Professor Severus Snape staring at him with unsuppressed loathing. His attempt at a smile faltering, Remus turned quickly away.

Seeking distraction, he reached for his goblet, which had just been magically filled, and drank without pausing to see what it contained. The unexpected taste of pumpkin juice nearly caused him to choke and he swallowed with difficulty before slamming the goblet back down onto the table -- with perhaps more force than was truly needed -- and casting a brief, annoyed glance at the headmaster.

"Manipulative old bastard," Remus thought to himself. He truly doubted that the other professors were drinking pumpkin juice tonight. A single glass of wine would hardly be detrimental, and would work wonders towards calming his nerves. It had been nearly a week since he'd had a real drink and his mind was screaming for the relaxation it had long come to expect from alcohol.

When Dumbledore had dropped by his flat a week previously, to explain the conditions surrounding his employment, Remus had agreed readily. Of course he wouldn't allow himself to become drunk in front of the students. It was one thing to give in to drinking on the job when you worked in a pub, but he would hardly show up to teach a class of students after indulging in one too many drinks.

But after the incident on the train.... The chill of the dementor, the sound of Sirius's insane laughter echoing through his mind, and then seeing Harry -- looking so much like his father -- lying still as death on the compartment floor....

He could truly use a drink.

Remus idly fingered the wand resting in the sleeve of his robe and wondered if he could transfigure his drink into something more palatable without attracting notice. Sighing, he decided not to risk it. He could always make a trip into Hogsmeade, once the students were safely in bed, if he still felt the need.

Picking up the drink, more from the need to occupy his hands, than from any real desire to drink more pumpkin juice, he glanced around the table again. He froze when his eyes locked once again with the hate filled glare of Severus Snape. His gut clenched with long forgotten remorse. He truly hadn't thought that after all these years Severus's hatred could still cause him such pain. Against his will, he found himself remembering a time when those dark eyes had looked at him in a very different way...

_Remus hadn't even realised that he was watching him. His mind had drifted from the conversation rather early on, and his eyes moved lazily across the open courtyard. He didn't even notice that his vision had focused on the dark figure until the boy looked up and their eyes locked together._

_Something seemed to pass between them in that moment: an unspoken realisation that deep down they were very much the same; they both had secrets and hidden pain. For an instant, Remus felt a nearly unbearable urge to stand and cross the courtyard towards the other boy. He watched as a small frown creased the boy's brow and he faltered in his progress across the courtyard, pausing, and turning slightly as though to walk towards Remus._

_The connection was broken when Remus felt a sharp jab to his ribs._

_"Are you even listening?" Sirius demanded._

_"What?" he asked. "Oh, sorry. I got distracted." He looked back, but the dark robed boy was already disappearing through an archway into the ancient castle._

_Following his eyes, Sirius frowned. "What could be so distracting about Snivellus Snape?"_

_"I...wanted to borrow his potions notes," Remus said quickly. "For the exam."_

_"You want help from that creep?" Sirius asked with a disdainful laugh. "Take my notes. At least they won't be covered in grease."_

_"Oh lay off, Sirius," Remus said in exasperation. "He isn't that bad."_

_Sirius's eyes narrowed and his voice dropped dangerously low. "When did you start defending that greasy snake?"_

_"Hey!" Remus protested. "I'm not defending him. There's no need to get jealous. But he is the best at potions. I just want to pass my exam." The last full moon had been particularly hard on him, and he had spent several days recovering in the hospital wing. If he didn't find time to study, with accurate notes, he would never pass the upcoming exam._

_Sirius continued to regard Remus suspiciously, and a muscle in his jaw began to twitch ominously, but the full brunt of his temper was averted when he glanced up and saw James and Peter approaching. Remus breathed a silent sigh of relief._

Remus breathed a silent sigh of relief. It had seemed that the feast would never end. He had felt the cold presence of Snape's angry glare for the entire meal, though he had steadfastly refused to look up and give the other man the satisfaction of seeing how much it troubled him. Remus's plate was still nearly full, what little appetite he might have had having been lost the second he looked into that scowling face.

The great hall was clearing out quickly; the students were in an obvious hurry to make their way to their common rooms and catch up with their housemates. Remus could only vaguely remember having felt that same excitement himself, long ago. Now all he wanted was to be alone. Thankfully, it looked as though he would be able to make a clean escape, and reach his rooms without being forced to stop and speak with anyone. Moments before he reached the door, however, Dumbledore stopped him.

"A moment, if you would, Remus," he said quietly.

Remus sighed in resignation. He had been so close. Forcing a smile, he said evenly, "Of course, sir."

"Albus, please," the old man insisted. "You're not a student anymore, after all."

"Of course," Remus repeated, with a diffident nod. He turned and silently followed Albus to his office, sinking gratefully into the plush armchair that was offered when they arrived. The stresses of the day were beginning to take their toll on him, and he felt a dreadful weariness that seemed to extend all the way into his bones.

With a wave of his wand, Albus summoned a steaming tea service, which floated down to rest on the centre of his desk. "Tea?" he offered.

Remus waved away the offer, so Albus prepared a cup of tea for himself, then rounded the desk and took the chair opposite Remus, fixing him with a steady gaze from over the tops of his glasses. "You look terrible," he said bluntly.

Remus stared at him in surprise for a long moment, then laughed. "Yes," he agreed, "I suppose I do. Though, I would have expected you to put it rather more diplomatically."

Albus tilted his head and looked at Remus expectantly, as though waiting for him to explain.

"I haven't been sleeping well," Remus said finally, with a dismissive shrug. "Nerves, I suppose, what with the new job and all." He deliberately left unsaid the fact that he had been sleeping poorly for well over ten years now. Any original concerns aside, he was well aware of the fact that he did need this job. Old friend or not, Albus was still his boss.

"Only the job, then?" he asked, his tone clearly conveying the fact that he knew it was much more than that.

Remus sighed. "No. There's the matter of the...escape, as well," he admitted reluctantly. He knew that there was no need to say _which_ escape; Sirius Black's escape from Azkaban had been on the minds and lips of everyone these days.

"Yes," Albus said, his tone growing sober, "his escape is very troubling. But I can assure you that this castle is quite safe."

"I know that," Remus said. He rubbed his brow wearily, and shook his head. "Of course I know that. The children are quite well protected. But even so, just knowing that he's out there, on the loose...it's not a pleasant thought."

"Perhaps you should ask Severus for a sleeping draught," Albus said in an offhand tone. "When you go speak to him."

Remus froze. While he held no illusions that he would be able to avoid the other professor indefinitely, he had hoped to be able to put off any real face to face confrontation for a while longer. Another year or so, perhaps. "Speak to him?"

"Yes," Albus said, "speak to him. As he will be the one preparing your potions, I would think that it would be best if you were at least on speaking terms again."

Remus sighed and slumped slightly in his chair. Even before Albus had mentioned it as a condition of his employment, he had heard of the Wolfsbane Potion, of course. He had not been so out of touch with the Wizarding World that he would have missed such an important development. It was something he had thought he would never be able to have, however, as the price was so prohibitive. If the only way to receive it, was to speak with Severus, then yes, that he could do. But still.... "He hasn't forgiven me," Remus whispered, mostly to himself.

"No, but perhaps some day he will." Albus rose to his feet and smiled, his eyes twinkling knowingly. "You really should try and get some rest."

Remus promised that he would, though, after the incident on the train, he was certain that he might never wish to sleep again. The dreams would almost certainly be all but unbearable. Walking to his quarters, he found the halls deserted, and so he didn't bother forcing the mask of 'excited new professor.' The meeting with Albus had taken longer than he had expected, and as it was already well past curfew, he didn't expect to encounter anyone as he walked through the corridors in a half-daze.

He almost missed the dark figure that was standing next to a window, looking out over the moonlit courtyard. He froze as the figure turned, the silver moon light painting its face an unearthly pale. It was Severus.

"What do you want?" Severus demanded.

_Remus was certain that Severus was avoiding him. The other boy would look away when they passed in the hallways, and would change direction if Remus attempted to approach him. Today, however, he found him staring out through a window, towards the setting sun, so lost in the sight that he did not hear his quiet approach._

_Remus joined him, unnoticed, at the window and quietly said, "Hello."_

_Severus jumped, startled, and turned to glare at him. Remus found himself lost in his eyes. He wasn't handsome, not like Sirius was, but his eyes were magnetic. He must have been staring, because Severus took a step back and regarded him suspiciously. "What do you want?"_

_"I..." He jerked his eyes away and turned to stare out the window, trying to gather his thoughts. "I was hoping you could help me," he said, keeping his eyes averted. "With my potions. For the exam?"_

_"Why me?" he asked, suspicion heavy in his voice, as though he expected this to be some kind of trick. "I thought you would study with those friends of yours."_

_Remus shrugged helplessly. "They're no better with potions than I am. You're the best, everyone knows that. If anyone could help me, it would be you."_

_Apparently flattery would get him somewhere, because Severus began to let down his guard. "There is nothing about potions that cannot be learned through careful study and attention to detail," he said pompously._

_"So you'll help me?" Remus asked hopefully._

_"Very well then," he agreed, with a long suffering sigh. "When?"_

_Remus wanted to say, "Now." To drag him into a dark corner of the library where he could stare into Severus's eyes and listen to his strangely melodic voice. Even listening to him recite the ingredients in a sleeping potion would have been a joy. But, it was nearly dinner hour, and Sirius would be looking for him in the Great Hall soon. "Tomorrow?" he ventured, knowing that Sirius had a detention and would be gone until quite late._

_"Meet me in the library," Severus said. "Four o'clock. Do not be late." He turned and stalked away, giving Remus no chance to say more._

"What do you want?" Severus demanded again, his voice no less frosty.

Remus's eyes narrowed. He really wasn't in the mood to deal with Snape yet. "From you? Nothing. I was simply going to find my rooms. That my path crossed yours was entirely unintentional, I assure you."

Severus looked at him suspiciously, his dark eyes flashing, and it looked as though he might challenge him on that, but after a moment he seemed to back down. "Very well," he said shortly, turning back to the window. Remus began to walk away, and after a moment, Severus called out to him. "We need to speak, soon."

"Not now," Remus said brusquely, quickening his step. "Tomorrow."

"Fine then," Severus called after him. "Meet me in my office, four o'clock. Do not--"

Remus would never know if he finished that sentence, as he had already fled.


	3. Chapter Three

See first chapter for notes and warnings. This story will be approximately twenty chapters long.

* * *

Chapter Three

As Remus walked to the dungeons, for his meeting with Snape, he unconsciously straightened his tattered robes, and smoothed his hair, before realising just how ludicrous the attempt really was. The man already hated him - something that couldn't be denied - and his opinion was unlikely to be much improved by nice robes and neat hair. Not that Remus cared what Snape thought of him, of course. Reaching up, he deliberately disarrayed his hair again.

When he reached the door to Snape's office, he found that it was open, but he hesitated before entering. He was early, as usual. Nasty habit he'd picked up somewhere. Snape wouldn't be expecting him for another quarter hour, so Remus simply leaned against the door frame and waited to be noticed.

Snape was grading student scrolls - summer homework, perhaps- and he was bent low over the desk, quill in hand, muttering occasional disdainful comments as he scratched the quill across the pages. Remus took the opportunity to observe the man without being noticed. It was strange to see him without a look of total loathing on his face. For more years than he could remember, Snape had been staring at him with eyes filled with hatred.

With a jolt of something near surprise, he remembered that Snape had rather attractive eyes. Damn him and his eyes.

_Time seemed to be passing even more slowly than usual. Four o'clock was certainly taking its own sweet time in arriving. Eventually Remus could curtail his impatience no longer and set out for the library. He was early, but he saw that Severus was already there and seemed to have gathered nearly every book on potions from the shelves. He was engrossed in one of the books, a thick dusty tome, and had not noticed Remus's arrival._

_He stayed back and watched the other boy read for a few minutes, not wishing to disturb him. As Severus read, a stray strand of black hair fell limply into his eyes and he shook it away distractedly. His face was so grim and serious all the time. Remus couldn't help but wonder what he would look like if he smiled. Shaking his head, he pushed the thought away firmly._

_He was here for help with potions, nothing more. Even if Severus were to be agreeable to...anything else, well, it would never work. For one thing, Remus had been in a relationship with Sirius for over a year now. "Though that hasn't exactly been going the way you would have thought," a traitorous voice in his head whispered. Sighing softly, he walked over to join Severus at the table._

_"You're late," Severus said without looking up from the book he was reading._

_"No, I'm not," Remus protested, checking the time. He saw that it was now ten minutes past four; he had apparently been standing in the shadows watching Severus read for longer than he had thought. "Oh. Damn," he murmured. "Sorry about that. It won't happen again."_

_Severus raised an eyebrow and gave him a disdainful look. "Indeed."_

_Remus picked up a book and flipped through it, hoping to distract him. "So...um. What should we start with?"_

_Severus plucked the book from his hands and handed him a sheet of parchment. "These are the potions that will be covered on the exam. You should look them up in these books," he said, pushing an exceptionally large stack of books in Remus's direction. "The information in these books is really much better than that contained in our text. If you have questions, you may ask." He paused a moment before continuing. "Though please, do at least try to find it in the books first. I do have work of my own that needs attention."_

_Remus eyed the books warily for a moment before sighing and taking the one on top. He considered asking for at least a hint as to which book might contain which potion, but Severus had already returned his attention to his own studies. Unenthusiastically, he consulted the list and began looking for the first potion._

_They read in silence and Remus stole occasional surreptitious glances at Severus's face. He had never seen anyone so utterly engrossed in school work, not even any of the Ravenclaws. He wondered if Severus ever gave that kind of focus to a person, or if it was solely confined to knowledge. "You mean, would he ever focus on _you_ like that," the insolent little voice in the back of his mind whispered. He shushed the voice firmly and pretended to study the potions text, but eventually his glances at Severus became longer and longer until the book in front of him was entirely forgotten._

_Feeling Remus's eyes on him, Severus glanced up. "Unless there are potions ingredients written on my forehead," Severus said, "then I don't believe that you are taking your studies seriously." Strangely, his voice lacked its usual scornful tone, and the corner of his mouth twitched in what might have been a smile._

_He pretended to inspect Severus's forehead closely for a moment before shaking his head seriously. "No. There're no potions ingredients there." The stray lock of hair had fallen into Severus's eyes again, and without thinking, Remus reached out to brush it aside. His fingertips seemed to tingle as they trailed across Severus's cheek._

_It wasn't until Severus reached up to touch his hand that Remus realised he was lightly caressing his face. His eyes were questioning, but he did not try to pull away. Before he could consider it more carefully, Remus leaned across the table and kissed him lightly, fully expecting to be hexed for it. To his surprise, Severus returned the kiss._

_It was nothing like the rough and demanding kisses that Remus had shared with Sirius. It was soft, rather hesitant, and on the whole really very nice. Remus felt Severus's hand sliding behind his neck, then tangling in his hair and pulling him closer as the kiss deepened and their breath quickened. _

_Suddenly, they heard footsteps behind them and jerked guiltily apart, straightening their robes. When they turned and looked, however, no one was there._

Remus watched Snape silently for what seemed an eternity. Just watching, and trying to push away the memories. He couldn't help but wonder what might have happened if events had gone differently. If he had taken the chance, and told Severus the truth, before it had been too late. Luckily he wasn't given much time to pursue that morbid line of thought. He must have been staring too hard, because Snape suddenly seemed to sense his presence.

His back stiffening, Snape pushed aside the scrolls and fixed Remus with a cool glare. "You're late," he snapped.

Remus smiled slowly at him. "No, actually, I was a bit early," he said cheerfully. "You just didn't notice. Are the essays really that interesting?" Snape's scowl only deepened, which made Remus's grin widen. If cheerfulness annoyed Snape that much, then Remus would make it a point to smile at him whenever he had the chance. Two could play at that game.

He pushed the door shut and leaned against the wall next to it. Snape gestured to an uncomfortable looking chair in front of his desk, but Remus shook his head and made no move to take it. "This will be quick; I don't want to waste our time. The potion," Remus said. "You can make it, yes? And you will bring it to me when I need it, yes?"

Snape nodded, but before he had a chance to speak, Remus pushed away from the wall and said, "Then I think that just about covers everything we need to discuss." He was suddenly anxious to leave. He had the door open, and was half way into the corridor when Snape rose from his desk and made as though to follow him.

"Lupin, wait," he said, his tone somewhat less harsh.

Remus turned slowly. "That will be _Professor_ Lupin, if you please," he said in a voice as cold as Snape's usually was.

"Go then," Snape said with a sneer. "I have nothing more to say to you."


	4. Chapter Four

See first chapter for notes and warnings.

-

Chapter Four

He couldn't sleep. Four of the Muggle sleeping pills had done nothing towards knocking him out - worthless things really - and he didn't dare take more. He would be teaching his first classes in the morning; bad enough to be red eyed and exhausted for his debut in the world of magical education, he didn't need to be half drugged as well.

Rolling out of bed, he began pacing. This was obviously a mistake; he never should have returned to Hogwarts. He was finding the ghosts of his past lurking around every corner. Striding over to his desk, he pulled open a lower drawer and removed the bottle of Ogden's Old he had travelled to Hogsmeade to purchase. After splashing a few inches into a glass, and waiting for the smoke to clear, he took a cautious sip. Yes, it was just as he had remembered it. That really was the worst part about living among the Muggles: their liquor was most inferior.

Remus took another sip and glanced cautiously around the room as though expecting the headmaster to come bursting out of the wardrobe to chastise him. When no one appeared, and no ward began screaming: "Warning, warning! The werewolf's getting drunk!" he relaxed slightly and walked over to sink into the chair in front of the fire.

Just below the crackle of the flames, it seemed that he could hear the distant sound of Sirius's laughter. Not the happy sound he remembered from when they were children, or even the dark, bitter laugh it had turned to during the war, but that insane, almost mocking laughter he had heard the sole time he had visited Sirius in Azkaban, just a week after his friends had been slain.

Why did Sirius insist on haunting his thoughts? Why could the past not stay buried like it was supposed to?

_"Why?"_

_Remus jumped as the unexpected voice came to him out of the darkness, unnaturally loud in the silence of the dorm. He had thought the room was empty. Slowly he hung up his robes and turned to face Sirius. "Why what?" he asked carefully._

_"You know damned well 'what,'" Sirius said, stepping out of the shadows. "Why did you spend the evening in the library with that...that..._thing_?"_

_How did he know that Remus had been in the library with Severus? Sirius had said he would be serving a detention then. "We were studying," he said cautiously, "for the potions exam."_

_Sirius moved closer, backing Remus up against the door. "Studying?" he asked sarcastically as the muscle in his jaw began to twitch. "For six hours? I don't think that's all you were doing. Did you kiss him?"_

_"What? No! Of course not," Remus protested automatically._

_"Liar!" Sirius spat, whipping his wand from his sleeve and pointing it directly at Remus's face. "I watched you! Did you fuck him too?"_

_"No, Sirius, I swear I didn't," Remus said, staring anxiously at the tip of Sirius's wand. He inched his hand towards his own wand, but he knew that there was no way he would be able to draw it in time to stop Sirius if he decided to hex him. "It was a mistake, and I'm sorry. It won't happen again. I would never-"_

_"I would never," Sirius repeated mockingly. "I've seen the way you look at him. I bet he's all you can think about." His grip tightened on the wand and Remus closed his eyes, expecting a curse to fly in his direction at any moment. When none came, he risked another glance at Sirius._

_Suddenly Sirius's face softened and he lowered the wand. "Really, Remus," he said as he reached out to stroke his face lightly. "Do you really think he would ever touch you again if he knew what you are? Do you think he could actually love a monster like you? He wouldn't keep it a secret, like I do. He would tell everyone, and then where would you be? The school governors would never allow a werewolf to stay at the school. It would be just terrible if that happened, wouldn't it?"_

_Remus tried to look away, but Sirius's hand tightened on his face, forcing him to look into his eyes. "I'm so sorry, Sirius," he said quietly._

_"Shhh..." he whispered. "It's okay. I know you didn't mean it. You just made a stupid mistake, and I love you too much to watch you do something so very stupid." Sirius leaned in and kissed Remus softly, pulling him into his arms._

_Remus sighed and rested his head on Sirius's shoulder. "It will never happen again. I promise."_

"Damn it!" Remus growled and hurled his glass into the fireplace where it shattered and caused the flames to briefly flare. His voice seemed to echo loudly through the empty room. He stood angrily from the chair and walked over to the desk, ripping open the drawer and digging around until he located the small bottle. Shaking four more pills into his hand, he frowned to realise that the bottle was more than half empty. Soon he would have no choice but to ask Snape for a sleeping potion. He did not look forward to it.

Swallowing the pills, and gagging slightly at their bitter taste, he walked over to the bed and collapsed across it, praying that sleep would come quickly.

He didn't remember falling asleep and when he woke he regretted having slept at all. His vision was blurred and his head ached fiercely. After a very long, and very cold bath he felt somewhat human again. Or, at least, as human as he ever felt, all things considered. A quick check of the time revealed that it was still early. He wouldn't make it to breakfast, but there was still an hour remaining before his first class.

Class. Dear Merlin. He felt in no way ready to go teach children. Briefly he wondered if it was too late to skip town. Surely he could be halfway to Hogsmeade before anyone even noticed that he was gone. He savoured that line of thought for a time, but as pleasant as it was, eventually he was forced to push it aside. Time for work.

Before heading to the classroom, he stopped by the staff room to check on the boggart he had found for his third year class. He had requested that it be left for his students to deal with, but he wanted to double check that it was still there. He didn't want to be embarrassed on his first day by throwing open the wardrobe and finding that it had wandered off somewhere.

"And for our first lesson, we will be battling the ever frightening...err...old coats. Highly dangerous if you happen to be allergic to wool or dust." Yes, that would go over quite well then, wouldn't it? At least the students would get the laughter part of the lesson down pat, though it wouldn't really be the best way to start out his new career.

The boggart was still where he had left it. Good. Snape was also there. Not so good. The sight of his sneering face first thing in the morning would be enough to ruin anyone's day. Remus was about to turn on his heel and leave without speaking to him, but at the last minute he changed his mind. Slamming the door shut, he whirled to face him. It was gratifying to see Snape's eyes widen, if only slightly, in surprise.

"What is your problem?" Remus growled at him.

"I beg your pardon?" Snape asked, sounding truly taken aback.

"You sneer at me, or you avoid me. But you don't speak to me! I repeat, what is your problem with me?"

Snape sneered. How dreadfully typical. "I believe," he said, "that it works both ways. The last chance I had to speak with you, you wouldn't allow me a single word."

_Severus was avoiding him again. Or perhaps he was avoiding Severus; it was rather hard to tell. Remus knew that Sirius would be furious, but he simply couldn't stop thinking about that all too brief kiss in the library. Knowing that he had to see him again, he set out in search of him. _

_Strangely, he was at the same window, watching the sunset when Remus finally found him. He joined him, saying nothing, and placed his hand lightly over Severus's on the windowsill. His hand tensed, but he did not draw it away._

_"Why?" Severus asked quietly, not looking away from the setting sun._

_Remus's stomach twisted uncomfortably, hearing the echoes of Sirius's angry accusations in his mind. "I'm sorry."_

_Severus turned; his face was carefully neutral, but his eyes were questioning. "Are you?"_

_"No," Remus said truthfully. "I'm not sorry in the least." _

_Severus's voice was almost too quiet to hear as he said, "Nor am I."_

_Remus wanted to reach out to him, but he didn't dare, not here. Severus's hand was warm beneath his own and his body ached to feel more of him. Remus looked deep into Severus's eyes and meant to say that he could not see him again. The words betrayed him. "I must see you again."_

_Severus nodded slowly. "Not the library."_

_"No, not the library," Remus agreed. It was far too dangerous. "We'll have to find somewhere else."_

_"Can you meet me tomorrow?"_

_Tomorrow would be the full moon. No, he wouldn't have any chance to get away before nightfall. "I can't, not tomorrow."_

_"When then?" Severus pressed._

_"Soon, I promise." As soon as the full moon was past, he would find Severus and tell him everything. Sirius was wrong; Severus would never betray his secret, he wouldn't. Remus heard footsteps approaching from around the corner and pulled away. "I'll send word."_

"Excuse me?" Remus asked incredulously. "I'm certainly not the one avoiding you here."

"Of course not," Snape said with a dramatic roll of his eyes.

Remus glared at him, entirely forgetting his plan to annoy Snape through excessive cheerfulness. He was a bit too annoyed himself to truly pull it off. "Why exactly is it that you hate me so much?" he demanded. "Is it because of what I am?" Somehow he couldn't bear to think that Sirius had been right all those years ago.

"No," Snape said simply, and turned back to his reading as though the entire conversation was below his notice.

Remus wasn't going to allow this to drop that easily. Now that they were finally talking, they were bloody well going to talk. "Why then?"

Finally rising to the bait, Snape threw down his book and stalked towards Remus. "You know why," he hissed.

Remus sighed and closed his eyes. "Yes," he whispered, "I suppose I do. But you _must_ know that I regret that as much as you do. Perhaps even more! If I had known that it was going to happen I would have never allowed it. I would have stopped him somehow!"

Snape froze; a look of shock and distrust on his face. "You didn't know?"

Remus stared at him for a long moment, and then laughed. "Know? Of course I didn't know! Why in Merlin's name would I have endangered both of our lives by doing something like that?"

"But why then?" Snape demanded. "And don't give me any of that nonsense about it being some kind of harmless prank! Black intended for you to kill me!"

Remus sighed and dropped into a chair, cradling his head in his hands. "Sirius saw us together and he was jealous. I think he knew that I would leave him eventually, and perhaps he thought that if he killed off the competition I would stick around a while longer. Bloody stupid plan that was; I would have killed him myself, had he succeeded."

Snape stared at him for a long time, his customary sneer faltering. "Competition," he said at last.

Remus gave him an incredulous look. "Yes, competition! You _were_ there weren't you?" He narrowed his eyes. "Or did you simply think that the kiss was nothing but a set up?"

"Of course I thought it was a set up!"

"Paranoid bastard," Remus muttered. "You would of course think the worst."

"What was I supposed to think? How was I supposed to know? It certainly seemed like something your lot would do."

Remus sighed. "Yes, I suppose it did. For that I'm sorry."

"Why did you stay with him after that?" Snape asked, none of the usual malice in his voice.

"What choice did I have? If I had left him, he would have told the entire world what I am." Remus rubbed his forehead, trying to push away the headache that was forming. "Besides, I doubt that many others would have accepted me. Love is hard to come by when you're...someone like me. And I needed someone then, even if the person happened to be a bastard. The stupidity of youth, perhaps."

Snape regarded him suspiciously. "Why are you telling me this now?"

"Because we have to work together. Better that things be at least somewhat civil between us." And because your eyes still do dangerous things to my heart rate, even after all these years. Remus was grateful that he managed to keep at least that last part to himself.

"I see," Snape said. Perhaps he sounded somewhat disappointed, but that was likely only Remus's overactive imagination at work.

Remus could feel a malicious glint growing in his eyes. He stood and began walking slowly towards him. Snape backed away, but Remus kept coming until they were a mere foot apart. "Why?" he asked, grinning a bit. "Did you think that I was trying to dredge up old feelings? That perhaps I wanted to drag you into a dark corner of the library and take up where we had left off?"

Snape's eyes narrowed slightly. "You're late for class."

Remus blinked, confused. _That_ was certainly not where he was going with this. "What?"

"You, _Professor_ Lupin, are supposed to be in your classroom, teaching the students to defend themselves against the Dark Arts." Was that a smirk on his face? "Or had you forgotten? I'm certain that the students are awaiting your arrival most anxiously."

Remus checked the time and saw that he should have been there five minutes ago. He cursed and rushed towards the door. He was already in the corridor when he heard Snape call his name.

"Lupin, good luck."

It was not until he had reached his classroom that he realised the smile on his face - for the first time in months - was not forced.


	5. Chapter Five

See first chapter for notes and warnings.

-

_Remus's head was still spinning as he slowly walked back to the dormitory following his meeting with the headmaster. His gut twisted under the onslaught of emotions: betrayal, anger, guilt. He should have known that Sirius would attempt something like this. He should have known._

_Severus had nearly died and it would have been his fault._

_Sirius was waiting for him when he entered the dorm. His features were set in an expression of smug satisfaction, but underlying that was the barest hint of anxiety that perhaps this time he had truly gone too far. He didn't even give Remus a chance to speak before saying, in the self-assured tones of one who truly believes themselves to be right, "It was for your own good, you know."_

_"My own good?" Remus whispered disbelievingly. He had always kept his anger firmly in check, never allowing it to break free for fear of what he might do while in its grip. Yet it always lurked just below the surface, simmering dangerously, and this one time, he felt no desire to resist its call. He didn't even consider drawing his wand; magic was far too impersonal a response for this kind of betrayal. _

_Remus launched himself at Sirius, pinning him against the wall and clenching his fists in Sirius's robes. He was gratified to see the fear that was blooming in Sirius's eyes. He should be afraid. He spent so much time reminding Remus of that he was a monster, and yet he seemed to forget that very fact himself. "My own good?" he screamed, slamming Sirius against the wall again. "How can you say that? How can you even think it? I might have killed him!"_

_"I would have never let that happen!" Sirius protested. He reached up and touched Remus's face, frantically trying to calm him. "You know I wouldn't, Remus, you know!"_

_Remus released his grip on the robes and stepped back, slapping Sirius's hands away in disgust. "Don't touch me!" he growled. "Why? Tell me why you did it!"_

_Sirius straightened his robes with an angry jerk and glared at Remus, his eyes darkening. "You were going to see him again."_

_Remembering the footsteps he had heard in the hallway, Remus's fists clenched again. "You were spying on me," he accused._

_"Spying? I was looking for you, and I found you. With him! Even though you'd promised me that it wouldn't happen again!"_

_"You had no right!" Remus yelled._

_"I had every right! You're mine, and there's no way in hell I'm letting some slimy Slytherin take you away from me!"_

_Remus stared at him, his blood running cold. "We're through, Sirius," he whispered. "We're through. Just stay away from me."_

_Remus turned towards the door, but froze with his hand on the latch when Sirius said, "We'll never be through, Remus. You forget that I still know your secret. If you think it's bad having him know the truth about you, how do you think it would feel if the entire school knew?"_

_The words hit Remus like a blow to the gut and he ran from the room, trying to escape the cold chill of Sirius's threat. He ran blindly through the halls with no idea of where he could possibly go. The walls flashed past, unseen, and he nearly ran headlong into the one person he knew that he couldn't face. Skidding to a halt, he drew back, and whispered, "Severus..."_

_Severus recoiled from him in horror. "Stay back!" he hissed, his eyes filled with loathing. "Stay away from me, werewolf!"_

_"Please," Remus begged. "You don't understand!"_

_"Understand?" he spat. Slowly he began backing away from Remus. "What could there possibly be to understand? I'm sure you and your friends have had a nice laugh over this. Stay away from me!" Drawing his wand, he turned and ran._

_Remus sank back against the wall and slowly slid to the floor. A wrenching sob broke in his chest and he pounded his fists against the cold stone of the floor. Of course Severus hated him, it was no more than he deserved. Soon enough everyone would know._

_The look of hatred and loathing he had seen in Severus's eyes would be mirrored on the faces of all his classmates. That is, if he was even allowed to stay. More likely, he would be sent away, even though he had no place to go. Sirius was going to take everything from him, and there was nothing he could do to prevent it._

_Slowly his pain faded, to be replaced by an empty numbness. He knew what he had to do. Rising to his feet, he began the long walk back to his dorm. When he arrived, he could clearly see that Sirius already knew what his decision would be. Bracing himself against the bitter taste of the words, he whispered, "Forgive me..."_

"Forgive you for what?" a cold voice asked from only a few feet away.

Remus jumped, startled. He hadn't realised that he had spoken aloud, and silently cursed himself for the lapse. Glancing to his left, he saw that Snape had taken the seat next to him at the staff table. He had been so lost in his memories that he hadn't noticed his arrival. Shaking away the webs of the past, Remus frowned. "Sorry, lost in thought," he said. His eyes narrowed slightly. "What are you doing here?"

Snape sneered disdainfully. "It is still customary for professors to take meals in the Great Hall, is it not?" Without looking at Remus, he began to fill his plate. "You seem intent that we maintain some kind of professional relationship. Very well then. We shall converse."

"Well, when you put it that way," Remus said, rolling his eyes slightly, "how could I refuse?" If nothing else, at least an opportunity to needle Snape would likely improve his spirits.

"I trust that your first day of classes were a success?" Snape asked, scowling slightly as though the attempt at civility was somewhat painful.

A slow smile stretched across Remus's face. "Oh yes, they went quite well indeed. Mr. Longbottom proved to be quite effective against the boggart." He paused and tilted his head slightly to the side as though in careful consideration. "Yes, I must say that you do look quite fetching in a dress, but you should really avoid the colour green. It just doesn't go well with your complexion."

Snape froze, his fork halfway to his mouth. "Pardon me?"

"I always knew that you were something of a terror, Severus, but I really had no idea that it had gone so far as to make you the worst fear of one of the students," Remus said glibly. "But no matter. It was quite educational. Since boggarts can't abide laughter, I simply suggested that Mr. Longbottom picture you in his grandmother's clothing. It did seem to do the trick."

"Dear Merlin," Snape whispered, closing his eyes and shaking his head slowly in disbelief.

Turning on his brightest smile, Remus asked, "And how was your day?"

Snape glowered at him darkly. "I feel no further urge to converse with you, Lupin, and I would appreciate it if you would just shut up."

Remus inclined his head politely. "Of course." Turning away from him, he looked over to Professor Sprout, who was seated on his right. "Hello Pomona," he said. "You're looking lovely as always. How has your day been?"

It was obvious that she had overheard his conversation with Snape and her eyes were sparkling with mirth. Yes, Remus really felt much better already.


	6. Chapter Six

See first chapter for notes and warnings.

Additional note: This chapter's punctuation got a bit mangled in the upload. I think I fixed it all, but I appologise for any errors you might find.

* * *

Remus was in his office, having tea with Harry, when Snape brought him his first dose of the Wolfsbane Potion. Snape was his usual glowering self, tossing about scowls and sneers, and exuding a general aura of "I am not a nice man." He had seemed rather annoyed to find that Remus was not alone, and left quickly. Remus wondered if it was Harry in particular that annoyed him, or simply the fact that they couldn't snark at each other in front of the students.

Remus had to admit that he was growing somewhat fond of trading veiled insults with Snape. He found his acerbic wit to be rather refreshing, to tell the truth. That was obviously a view that Harry did not share. It was quite apparent that he did not trust his potions professor, and he had even gone so far as to suggest that the potion Snape had brought him might have been poisoned.

Once Harry had left, Remus idly pushed the empty goblet around on his desk. He rather regretted the fact that he hadn't had a chance to speak with Snape when he had delivered the potion. They had been avoiding each other for the past few days; a result of the boggart incident, no doubt. Snape had made no more attempts at conversation, and Remus had not sought him out. Perhaps he should return the goblet and try to have a little chat.

Yes, he decided, they were long overdue for another session of scowling at each other. He set out for the dungeons. When he reached Snape's office, the door was open, and inside he could see him scowling darkly at the scroll he was marking. He muttered, "Idiots, the lot," and scrawled an obviously scathing comment across the bottom of the scroll. Remus couldn't contain a light laugh, and Snape glared up at him in annoyance.

"You again," he snapped. "How long have you been lurking in the shadows and spying on me this time?"

"Twenty years or so," Remus said. He walked into the office, and shut the door behind him, without waiting for an invitation.

"I am not amused," Snape said, rolling up the scroll and pushing it aside.

"I assure you, Severus, I have no intention of amusing you," he said with a smile. "At least not unless you ask me very nicely."

That earned him a particularly nasty sneer. "Are you simply here to torment me, or does this visit actually have a purpose?" he asked disdainfully.

"To torment you, of course," Remus said, glancing around the office. "Rather morbid décor you have here." He motioned to the glass jars filled with various creatures floating in preservation liquid. "Do they actually have a purpose, or do you simply keep them around to frighten the students? Ah well, no matter," he said with a shrug before Snape could reply. "I just wanted to thank you for the potion, and return your goblet."

"Very well then," Snape said shortly. "You've thanked me. Now you may leave the goblet and depart."

"Fine then, here," Remus broke off and frowned. It seemed that he had left the goblet sitting on his desk. "Oh. I seem to have forgotten it."

Snape sighed, a long suffering sigh at that, and stared at Remus with exasperation. "You didn't bring it. Then why on earth did you come here?"

"I suppose that the thought of seeing you again," he said, "just had me so giddy that I forgot it. I'm certain that I will find time to return it to you later."

"I will be waiting here, breathless with anticipation, no doubt."

"Sarcasm doesn't suit you," Remus lied with a smile. Sarcasm actually suited him quite well, but what fun would it be if he knew that? Remus sat down on the edge of the desk, earning him another scowl from Snape. Did the man truly only have four expressions? Scowl, sneer, smirk, glare. He really did need to work on that. He wouldn't want people thinking that he's nothing but a grumpy git.

Though he wasn't entirely sure why, Remus found himself searching for a reason to extend his visit. Well, Snape was the potions master, after all. "I need to get a potion from you," Remus said.

"I've already given you your potion," Snape said, his lips twitching in what, with a bit more effort, would have been a smile. "A memory enhancement potion might not be remiss."

"No, not that potion," Remus grumbled. "A sleeping potion. Dreamless Sleep." That really wasn't much of an excuse, as he did need the potion. The Muggle sleeping pills he had been taking were all but gone, and he needed to be able to sleep. If the potion would also help to keep away his dreams, well, that would simply be an added benefit.

"Dreamless Sleep is a very powerful potion," Snape said, narrowing his eyes, "usually I don't just hand it out. It can be...addictive."

"I'm not the kind of person to become easily addicted," Remus lied. "Dumbledore suggested that I ask you for something."

"Very well then." Snape stood and brushed past him, walking to a small cabinet on the other side of the room. With a flick of his wand, he released the wards protecting it. He quickly found the small vial he was looking for in the well organised cabinet, but hesitated before handing it over. "A simple sleeping draught might be better."

"No, I need sleep without dreams," Remus said with a slight shudder. The nightmares he had long since become accustomed to had only grown worse since his return to Hogwarts. A normal sleeping potion would be all too likely to knock him out, leaving him unable to wake from the dreams that would inevitably come.

For a moment it looked as though he wanted to say something, but instead, he simply pressed his lips into a thin line and grudgingly handed over the vial. "This is a highly concentrated version of Dreamless Sleep, and it is much more powerful than what you would typically find. Take it with caution. Three drops, no more."

"Of course," Remus said. "Thank you." He slipped the vial into his pocket and watched as Snape returned to his desk.

"Will that be all?" Snape asked, obviously impatient to return to his work.

"I'm in no hurry," Remus said with a shrug. "Perhaps we should try that 'conversing' thing that you suggested."

"That I suggested? You are the one who seems so interested in mindless gossip," he said. "Very well then, speak. I'm listening."

"You really know how to get a conversation going, don't you Severus?" Remus growled. "Perhaps I was stupid to think that we could discuss this like civilised adults."

Snape smirked, seemingly pleased at having successfully annoyed him. "What exactly is it that you wanted to discuss?"

"You," Remus said. "It's been damned distracting having you on my mind all the time."

"Excuse me?" Snape said, obviously taken aback.

"I can't stop thinking about you...and what happened when we were in school. I think we should talk about it."

"We did," Snape said coldly. "I don't see how any further discussion would be of any use."

"I was going to tell you," Remus blurted, before he could think better of it.

"Tell me what?" he asked suspiciously.

"The truth," Remus said. "That I'm a werewolf. I planned to tell you the next time we met, only I never had the chance. Sirius saw to that."

He actually looked stunned at that. Add one more expression to the incredibly short list. Snape looked at him closely, as though trying to gauge the truthfulness of his admission. Finally he frowned and shook his head slightly. "Well you didn't, so it changes nothing."

"I am sorry," Remus said. "I can't help but wonder if things would have been different if I had found a chance to tell you. You might still hate me, but perhaps it would be for a better reason. One I could accept."

"I don't hate you." He said it so quietly that Remus was not entirely sure he had heard him correctly.

"You don't?" he asked in surprise.

"No, not anymore," Snape said with a glare. The glare seemed to be lacking some of its typical malice. "That does not mean that I enjoy your company, however, or that I want you taking up space on my desk."

"Of course, of course." Remus laughed and vacated his desk. "You like no one. But I am glad that we had this little chat." He headed towards the door.

"You're leaving?" Snape asked.

Remus gave him an innocent look. "Certainly I've taken up enough of the potions master's valuable time today."

"Indeed you have," Snape said. "Goodbye."

Remus kindly waited until he was out of sight before allowing his grin to surface in full force. Severus didn't hate him. For some reason, that seemed to be the best news he had heard in years.


	7. Chapter Seven

See first chapter for notes and warnings.

-

Chapter Seven

When Remus arrived for dinner in the Great Hall that night, he was in an unusually good mood. He tried to tell himself that not being hated by Severus Snape wasn't really the most wonderful thing on earth, but it just wasn't working. It had been a very long time since he had been able to count anyone as a true friend and he hope that with a bit more work, Severus might be just that.

Remus took the chair next to Professor Flitwick and listened as the small man began talking animatedly about the newest charm he was teaching his seventh years. Pretending to be listening, Remus searched the Great Hall for the dark figure of the potions master. Finally he saw him sweep into the room, black robes billowing, and watched as he headed for the empty chair next to Remus.

Remus couldn't quite conceal his disappointment when Hagrid reached the seat before Snape did, and he was forced to take a chair at the far end of the table. Pushing back a sigh, Remus smiled at Hagrid. "How are you today" he asked.

Hagrid launched into a lecture about his newest creature: something that was probably dangerous, and most certainly could not be described as cuddly. Remus listened with half an ear, making appropriate sounds of agreement whenever Hagrid paused for a breath, but his mind was elsewhere.

Remus noticed that Harry kept throwing him concerned glances throughout the meal, obviously waiting for him to keel over from whichever poison he thought Severus had slipped into the potion. He briefly considered falling to the ground, pretending to choke, just to see what Harry would do. He would likely draw his wand and hex Severus without a second thought. As amusing as the idea was, Remus decided not to experiment; he was supposed to be something of a role-model after all. Ah, the burdens of authority.

It seemed that Harry wasn't the only one throwing him covert looks. Every time Remus glanced to the other end of the table, he saw two dark eyes staring back at him. Unable to completely restrain his mischievous impulses, he caught Severus's eye and winked at him. Severus jerked back in his chair, covering the sudden movement with a rather fake cough, and glared at Remus quite thoroughly.

Concealing a smirk, Remus turned back to Professor Flitwick to continue what would have undoubtedly been a fascinating conversation if he had been paying the slightest attention. When dinner was over, he noticed that Severus took much longer than usual to rise from his chair. Perhaps he really did want another conversation. Remus managed to delay his own departure until the hall was nearly empty, and as he walked to the door, Severus fell into step beside him.

"We need to talk" he said quietly.

"So soon" Remus asked in mock astonishment. "You might want to be careful; people could start to think that you've decided to be sociable."

"Merlin forbid it" Severus said with a slight shudder.

"We could go to my office, if you want to speak now" Remus offered.

"No, later would be better." He glanced around to be sure that no one was within earshot. "Three hours."

"In three hours, or for three hour" Remus asked playfully. "As much as I'm beginning to like you, I doubt I could put up with your scowling for three hours."

Yes, that was the scowl he was speaking of. How kind of Severus to demonstrate. It was obvious that he wasn't even going to dignify that with a response. "Fine, fine" Remus said. "Three hours. Your place, or mine"

"Yours" Severus said somewhat disdainfully. It looked as though was going to say more, but they both froze as they heard a sudden commotion from the direction of Gryffindor's common room. Professor McGonagall rushed past them, heading in that direction, and they fell into step behind her. The entire house seemed to be huddled together in the corridor and they were all looking towards the portrait of the Fat Lady in horror.

They pushed through the crowd just in time to hear Dumbledore say"We need to find her. Professor McGonagall, please go to Mr. Filch at once and tell him to search every painting in the castle for the Fat Lady." Remus stared past him to the portrait that covered the entrance to Gryffindor House and saw that it had been ripped to shreds. His blood ran cold.

Behind him, he heard a cackling voice say"You'll be lucky"

Remus turned to see the poltergeist, Peeves, floating above the crowd, grinning broadly.

"What do you mean, Peeves" asked Dumbledore.

"Ashamed, You Headship, sir. Doesn't want to be seen. She's a horrible mess. Saw her running through the landscape up on the fourth floor, sir, dodging between the trees. Crying something dreadful" Peeves said with glee.

"Did she say who did it" Dumbledore asked quietly.

"Oh yes, Professorhead" said Peeves. "He got very angry when she wouldn't let him in, you see." Peeves grinned at Dumbledore. "Nasty temper he's got, that Sirius Black."

It was only Severus's steadying hand on his arm that kept Remus from sagging to the floor. It couldn't be true! Sirius couldn't be here, there was no way that he could have gotten past the dementors. Peeves had to be playing some kind of prank, a sick prank to be sure, but it couldn't be true.

Dumbledore quickly sent the students back to the Great Hall and organised a search of the castle. After taking a single look at Remus's bloodless face, he ordered him to return to his rooms, promising to send word when the castle had been cleared.

Remus knew that he should be joining in the search. He should be helping to ensure the safety of the students. But the anger he always felt at the mention of Sirius's name had been replaced by a tendril of fear that was now snaking its way through his chest. Sirius was in the castle, and he had a knife.

Remus ran to his rooms and slammed the door shut behind him. The door had heavy wards placed upon it - as did the doors to all of the professors' quarters - but would they be enough? Sirius shouldn't have even been able to get past the dementors and into the castle. Drawing his wand, Remus began to layer ward upon ward over those already on the door, until he was certain that it would take hours for anyone to break through them.

The Fat Lady's portrait had been shredded with a very sharp knife. Was it..._that knife_? No, it couldn't have been, Remus assured himself. The knife that Sirius had always carried had been destroyed, along with his other personal effects, when he had been sentenced to Azkaban.

"But he could have found another knife" a taunting voice whispered in the back of his mind. "One just as sharp. I'm sure he's looking forward to using it."

_"What are you doing"_

_"What does it look like I'm doing" Remus asked. "I'm leaving."_

_Sirius's eyes narrowed. "You can't leave."_

_Remus threw the last of this things into the tattered bag and slung it over his shoulder. "Watch me."_

_Sirius leaned against the door, effectively blocking it. "Do you really think I'm just going to let you walk away? Sit down, Remus. Let's talk about this."_

_"I'm sick of talking, Sirius. Nothing ever changes. Just get out of my way." He tried to push him aside, but Sirius grabbed his arm._

_"Sit down" Sirius said coldly._

_Remus's wand was still in the robe of his travelling cloak, and he cursed himself for not having kept it closer. With no choice but to obey, he backed away from Sirius and sank down onto the edge of the bed. _

_Sirius sat on the bed beside him, draping his arm possessively around Remus's shoulders. "Really, Remus" he said in the smooth whisper that Remus had long ago learned to despise. "Where could you go"_

_"Honestly, I don't care" Remus said. "Anywhere would be better than this." He tried to push away his arm, but Sirius dug his fingers painfully into his shoulder._

_"That's not what I mean." Sirius put his hand to Remus's face and forced him to look into his eyes. "Where could you go that I couldn't find you? You know I won't just let you walk away."_

_A chill ran down Remus's spine. He didn't even see Sirius pull the knife from his pocket, but he certainly felt it when the tip was traced down the side of his face. It burned as though it had been heated in a forge. Remus gasped and tried to jerk away, but Sirius held him tightly._

_"I would find you. You know that" Sirius said in that low whisper. He held up the knife and turned it so that its razor edge caught the light. "Beautiful, isn't it? Its made of silver. You do know what silver does to werewolves, right? I've heard that it causes a most painful death."_

_Sirius slid the knife back into his belt and stood, turning away from Remus. "Put your things away, I know that you're not leaving." He walked to the door, then paused, looking back over his shoulder. "I knew you'd feel better after we talked."_

Remus pulled his bottle of firewhisky from the desk drawer and filled a glass. His hands were shaking so badly that much of the smoking liquid missed the glass entirely and spilled across his desk, soaking several student scrolls. The first sip burned terribly, but had an instantly calming effect.

Remus began pacing, his hand clenched around the glass of firewhisky. Sirius obviously had found a way into the castle that would allow him to avoid the dementors. It was quite possible that he could reappear at any time. With the knife...

He couldn't face Sirius again. After all these years of doing everything in his power to numb his mind and push away the past, he couldn't bear the thought of coming face to face with him once more. He would die first.

Suddenly he remembered the vial of Dreamless Sleep that still rested in his pocket. Pulling it out, he held it up and watched as the torchlight flickered through it. Three small drops would be enough to chase away his demons, and give him hours of sleep, free from nightmares. But what would be the point in that, when all too soon he would awaken, and find that nothing had changed? All the dreamless sleep in the world could not change the fact that it was his life that was the true nightmare. If he wanted to find a lasting peace, it would take much more than three drops.

Uncorking the vial, he emptied it into his firewhisky and drank deeply. The burn was as welcome as the oblivion that soon followed.


	8. Chapter Eight

Remus was drifting alone in a sea of blackness. There was neither sight nor sound, just a marvellous emptiness that both surrounded and filled him. There was no sense of time or place, only an endless moment of blank wonderment that stretched on for an eternity. He could feel nothing, and that feeling was bliss.

Eventually a voice intruded on his solitude. The voice was quiet, as though muffled by time and distance, and try as he might to resist its call, the voice was insistent, drawing ever closer. He wanted to turn away from the voice, and fade further into the blackness, but something inside him reached out to it, pulling it closer, seeking to hear what it had to say.

The voice was Severus, and Severus was calling his name. He sounded worried, frantic even, and Remus was confused. Could he not see how peaceful it was here amidst the blackness? There was nothing to fear and no need to sound so terribly worried.

Remus became aware of a bitter taste in his mouth; a harsh burning liquid that crept its way past his tongue and down his throat, brutally reminding him that he still had both body and flesh. The darkness began to fall away and Remus cried, reaching out for it. It had been such a beautiful darkness.

"Wake up!" Severus's voice demanded, far too near and almost unbearably loud. Remus felt a sharp blow to his face, the pain breaking through the numbness of his flesh and drawing him closer to awareness.

"Damn it, Remus, wake up!" Severus demanded again.

"I'm sorry..." Remus murmured, his own voice sounding distant and disconnected, the words slipping past his lips through no consciousness of thought.

"Good." The relief in Severus's voice was evident, even through the fog that shrouded Remus's mind. "Stay awake. You have to stay awake."

The cold metal rim of a goblet was pressed against Remus's lips and he swallowed automatically as the bitter liquid spilled into his mouth. Immediately the world began to solidify around him again as feeling rushed back into his limbs. Remus thought that he must have fallen from the roof, as nothing else could have made every inch of his body hurt so terribly. It felt as though fire was coursing through his veins.

"Ouch," he complained, once the goblet had been withdrawn and he could speak.

"Yes, I would think so," Severus said, sounding relieved. "Damn you. I said three drops..." His voice trailed and after a moment he asked sharply, "Are you awake?"

"Yes, damn it," Remus growled. How could he be expected to sleep, when every part of him ached and Severus wouldn't give him a moment's peace? He couldn't understand what the man was even doing here, it made no sense. Perhaps he really was asleep, and this was all some kind of bizarre dream.

"That was a damned fool thing to do," Severus said harshly. Remus forced his eyes open and saw that Severus was glaring at him darkly. Yes, he must truly be here. Even in his dreams, Remus couldn't simulate that kind of glare.

Remus came to realise that he was lying on the floor, and that Severus was hovering over him, his face set in a bizarre mixture of concern and fury. He still wasn't certain what was going on, but knew that it couldn't be good. "What are you doing here?" he asked weakly.

"I am trying to keep a stupid werewolf from killing himself," Severus said disdainfully.

What? That made no sense. Of course Remus hadn't tried... The earlier events of the night came flooding back. "No!" Remus yelled. He tried to push himself to his feet and fumbled for his wand. "Sirius is here! He's in the castle and he has the knife!"

Severus took away the wand and grabbed his face firmly with both hands, forcing Remus to look into his eyes. "No. He's not. He's gone," he said slowly, enunciating every syllable.

"Gone," Remus repeated disbelievingly. No, Sirius would never truly be gone. Even when he was still safely locked away in Azkaban he had haunted Remus's every step.

"Yes, he's gone," Severus promised. "We searched the entire castle."

Gone. If only it could be true. The temporary energy his fear had lent him faded quickly, and Remus collapsed against Severus's chest, not fighting the darkness when it rose up to claim him once more.

------

Remus woke slowly. It was like swimming out of the depths of a dark lake; despite his efforts to fully waken, he rose slowly towards consciousness, not certain that he would ever reach the surface. His head ached fiercely and his thoughts seemed mired in mud. This was undoubtedly the worst hangover he had ever experienced, and worse, he had no memory of having gotten drunk the night before. In fact, he could remember nothing of the previous night's events.

Groaning hoarsely, he raised his leaden arm and rubbed wearily at his sleep crusted eyes. What in the hells had happened to him? He felt as though he had been beaten by a troll, or perhaps trampled by a herd of rampaging hippogriffs.

"I see that you are finally awake," a tired voice, that seemed laced with disgust, snapped at him from only a few feet away.

The unexpected voice broke through the last of the haze surrounding Remus's mind and he jerked upright, reaching instinctively for his wand and feeling a brush of panic when he could not find it. His eyes focused on the dark figure seated in a chair beside his bed and he relaxed slightly. "What the hell are you doing here, Snape?" he growled.

At some point during the night, Severus had moved the chair that normally rested near the fireplace into the bedroom, and had placed it beside Remus's bed. He was reclining in it, in a position that looked half posed and half sprawled. "The headmaster asked me to stay and be sure that you didn't die in your sleep," he said, sitting up and offering a sneer that was quite ruined by the yawn he was unable to fully suppress.

Remus rolled from the bed, putting its bulk between them, and glared at Severus. "I have no idea what you're talking about," he said, even as the hint of a memory tingled at the back of his mind.

"I suppose you wouldn't," Severus said, standing and straightening his robes, "as you were even more incoherent than usual at the time. You were in no condition to be left alone, and as the headmaster had much more important matters to attend to, the task fell to me." His tone turned scornful. "I would have been content send you to the hospital wing and let Pomfrey deal with you, but the headmaster seemed to think it would be detrimental to the students' moral if they knew that one of their professors had tried to kill himself."

"Kill myself?" Remus repeated incredulously. "I did no such thing. I simply--"

"Simply drank an entire vial of sleeping potion -- which might as well have been poison -- for the fun of it?"

"That's not fair..." Remus protested weakly.

"No! It wasn't fair!" Severus yelled, his mask of disdain faltering. "I came here to tell you that the castle had been searched, and found to be safe. Your door was warded ten different ways and you wouldn't answer. It took the combined efforts of both myself and the headmaster to break through, and when we found you lying there on the floor with that vial... I thought you were dead!"

The strength flowed out of Remus's legs and he sank back down onto the bed, his back to Severus. The previous nights' memories returned in a rush, and all he could think to say was, "I'm sorry."

"Stop saying that you're sorry and tell me why!" Severus demanded.

"Why," Remus said softly. "Why, you ask. What is it that you want to hear? That I'm sick of hiding what I am, because I know that I'll be cast aside as soon as anyone finds out? That I'm sick of living in fear -- every damned second -- that Sirius is going to reappear? That I'm sick of hating myself?" Suddenly angry, he stood and rounded the bed, stalking towards Severus.

"Is that what you want to hear?" Remus demanded. "Is it? Do you think you can fix that? Can you go whip up some potion to make all my problems vanish? No. You can't! So please, if you don't fucking mind, just get the hell out of my room." He turned his back on him, but the small measure of relief he felt at the sound of the opening door was destroyed by Severus's parting words.

"I'm certain that the headmaster will wish to speak with you quite soon." Remus did not notice the tinge of sadness that laced Severus's words.

"It was a complete accident, I assure you," Remus said, taking a cautious sip of his tea. The tea tasted strange, as though it had been laced with something more than milk and sugar. A calming draught, perhaps? He looked up, not quite meeting the headmaster's eyes. "During the excitement of last night, I must have simply forgotten Professor Snape's instructions about the potion."

-----

Dumbledore's invitation to tea, though politely worded, had carried the strong hint of command, and Remus had been unable to delay the meeting. He had hoped to be able to put it off until after the full moon when -- though the stresses of transformation would weaken his body -- his mind would be more clear. Already he could feel the song of the moon coursing through his veins and his mind cried out against it, even as a deeper, more primal part of his soul reached out to embrace it. The duality of his feelings left him shaken and on edge, and he knew that his temper could snap if he were pushed too far.

As though sensing the fragility of Remus's hard won control, Dumbledore smiled benignly and said, "Severus did not seem to think that it was an accident."

"Severus was wrong," Remus snapped. Taking a deep breath, he modulated his tone and said, "I'm terribly sorry for the trouble that it caused you both, and I can assure you that it will not happen again."

"I did not ask you here to reprimand you," Dumbledore said placatingly. "I was concerned for your well being. Are you certain that you are quite all right?"

Remus shifted uncomfortably in his seat. "The antidote that Severus gave me seems to have done its job," he said cautiously. "Other than feeling somewhat tired, I cannot see that there have been any lasting side effects."

"That was not entirely what I meant," Dumbledore said seriously, "though it is indeed reassuring to see that you have recovered. Please know that you can speak to me about anything."

For a brief moment, Remus was tempted. It would be a great relief to be able to share his fears and worries with another person. But that relief would be short lived, when he found himself once more without a job. Hard won experience had taught him that no one truly wished to hear of your problems, they only sought reassurance that the problems themselves did not exist. Schooling his face into a mask of sincerity, he said, "I will keep that in mind, sir, but for now...there is nothing I need to speak of."

"Of course," Dumbledore said with a sigh. "Do remember that my door is always open. But for now, I assume that you have preparations that you need to make for tonight."

Placing his tea cup on a low table, and murmuring a few quick words of farewell, Remus beat a hasty retreat from the headmaster's office. The meeting had gone more smoothly than he had feared it would, but as always, he left with the uncomfortable feeling that more had been said, than had actually been spoken. He could clearly see that Dumbledore had not believed his half-hearted explanations, but if the man was willing to let it drop for now...he would not complain.

Shortly after he returned to his quarters, a house-elf appeared with his final dose of the Wolf's Bane potion. Somehow the potion managed to taste even more foul than it had previously. After drinking the potion, and returning the goblet via the same house-elf, Remus paced his rooms, awaiting sunset and the rise of the moon. This would be his first transformation under the influence of the potion, and he had absolutely no idea what to expect.

Intellectually he knew that his mind would remain unchanged, even as his body changed into that of the beast. But what would that be like? A man, trapped in the body of a wolf, forced to remain and bear witness as he was transformed into the monster that he so hated.

Always before, his memories had faded with the setting of the moon, and his mind had remained untainted by the foul changes his body had undergone. He had been left with nothing more than fleeting senses of power, strength, and a lust for blood. What if those urges still remained, even with his mind still firmly in place? What if the monster was not the beast, but the man, and his transformations had always been nothing but a reflection of the darkness he carried inside?

Remus froze and stared out the window at the darkening sky. The moon was rising...


	9. Chapter Nine

See first chapter for warnings and notes.

-----

Mentally cursing Snape, and Slytherins, and life in general, Remus headed down to the dungeons as soon as his last class had departed. This time the man had gone too far. Remus had been fully intent on ignoring and avoiding Snape for a good while longer, but that was not an option anymore.

When he reached Snape's office, and saw that he was alone, Remus stormed into the room, slamming the door shut behind him. Foregoing any from of greeting, Remus grabbed Snape by the front of his robes and hauled him to his feet, so that they were practically nose to nose. "Werewolves?" he growled. "You assigned my class an essay on _werewolves_? What in Merlin's name were you thinking?"

Looking remarkably unruffled, Snape raised an eyebrow. "While grindylows and hinkypunks might be standard fare for third years, I thought it would be far more useful if students were to learn about the type of monster they are actually likely to encounter at Hogwarts."

"That was low, even for you, Snape," Remus said angrily. "We both know damned well that this has nothing to do with what the students need to learn! Was this some kind of twisted revenge over the past? Or just your way of getting back at me for inconveniencing you the other night?"

"_Inconveniencing_--" Snape snapped his jaws shut with an audible click and his glare rose to full force. He seemed to loom over Remus, and Remus suddenly doubted the sanity of confronting the man like this. "You have no idea, do you?" Snape hissed. "You stupid, idiotic--" The rest of his words were lost when his lips descended on Remus's with a bruising force.

It took Remus a moment to realise that this was a kiss, not an attack, and a moment longer to decide that he really didn't mind at all. His anger cooling at an alarming rate, Remus released his death grip on Snape's robes and moved one hand to tangle in the man's dark hair, drawing him closer and deepening the kiss. When they finally pulled back slightly, gasping for air, Remus attempted a glare and said, "I wasn't quite through yelling at you yet."

Smirking slightly, Snape said in a silky tone, "You may yell at me later, but for now, please do shut up." Leaning forward, he captured Remus's lips in a way that expertly silenced him for a good while longer.

----

When a soft knock came at his door, late that night, Remus was not surprised. He had expected that Severus would make an appearance. He would, in fact, have been disappointed had he not. Their impromptu, anger induced snogging session had been abruptly interrupted by the arrival of a timid second year student who had been seeking help with a potions essay.

Despite their hasty attempts to pull themselves together, the student had looked aghast at their dishevelled appearance, and -- perhaps fearing an imminent battle between his professors -- had looked torn between calling for reinforcements and simply running for his life. Abandoning the child to Severus's tender mercies -- hopefully he hadn't taken too many points -- Remus had taken the opportunity to escape and organise his thoughts.

If he was to be honest with himself, Remus had to admit that he had known it would come to this; their traded insults and snarkiness could only cloak their attraction for so long. But what could they truly hope to gain by pursuing this? They were both too bitter and angry at their own respective pasts to have any real chance at a relationship that extended beyond the bed chamber. They were simply too much the same, though the masks they hid behind were polar opposites.

Was this -- what ever it was -- even worth the inevitable complications that would arise from it? They would have to be unfailingly discreet. The scandal that would ensue, should the students become aware of any relationship between them could cost one, or both of them, their jobs. While it was not entirely taboo for a witch or wizard to become involved in a relationship with a member of their own sex, any long term union that would produce no heirs was often highly frowned upon, especially in the pureblood circles.

All that aside, there was also Severus's nasty habit of being entirely unpredictable. They still needed to have a little chat about the werewolf essay...one that _didn't_ get sidetracked by a well timed, and distracting kiss.

The knock sounded at his door again, somewhat more impatiently this time, and Remus was forced to make his choice. Opening the door, he stepped back and silently gestured for Severus to come inside. He had his unreadable mask firmly back in place, so Remus simply raised an eyebrow and asked, "Something I can help you with?"

Severus's lips twitched slightly and Remus felt something twist deep inside his gut. He was really becoming a bit too fond of that smirk. "I thought we might converse," Severus said.

Feeling a smirk of his own growing on his face, Remus said teasingly, "Rather late for conversing, is it not?"

"I assumed that you would still be awake," Severus said, crossing his arms and looking far too self-assured. "I could leave, if this is a bad time."

"No, please do have a seat," Remus said, gesturing to one of the chairs in front of the fireplace. "I agree that we need to have a little talk." Severus winced visibly at the word 'talk,' and Remus sighed. "You can't honestly have believed that little kiss would get you entirely off the hook. It wasn't quite _that_ good."

"Perhaps another attempt would be more successful?" Severus suggested.

"I think not."

"Pity," he said, casting a glance towards the door as though considering escape. Instead he sank down into the indicated chair with a sigh.

After pouring himself a glass of firewhisky, and offering the same to Severus, Remus took the other chair. "Besides," he said amiably, "you did promise me the chance to yell at you a bit more later."

"Is it later already?"

"Enough with the games, Severus," Remus said with a sigh. "Why the essay? You ran the risk of exposing my secret to the entire school. And for what? A petty attempt at revenge?"

"I assigned the essay because I was furious with you, and wanted to be sure that you knew it," Severus snapped. "That night...I thought you were dead."

"I apologised for that, I don't--" Remus broke off, remembering the morning after he-- after the incident with the potion. He had said those same words, and Remus had still been too upset, and too angry to notice the almost haunted look in Severus's eyes as he had spoken; the haunted look that _still_ lurked in his eyes. "Oh, _shit,_" he said softly. "I'm sorry, I didn't realise..."

"I thought you were dead, I thought that--" Severus shook his head sharply, as though to banish an unpleasant thought, and then drank his firewhisky in a single gulp, clenching his fist around the empty glass. "It was not a pleasant thought."

The silence stretched uncomfortably between them. Remus rose and refilled their glasses, trying to think of anything that he could say to try and convey just how sorry he was for having put Severus through that. Finally he realised that nothing he could say would even begin to be adequate. "The kiss, then?" he asked quietly.

Severus looked up to meet Remus's eyes, his hair obscuring his face. "That was my attempt to show you how grateful I am that you are still alive."

Remus smiled weakly. "That point came across fairly well." He sighed and shook his head slowly. "Severus, I don't know what you want -- what you expect -- from...this." He gestured vaguely to the space between them. "But you can't threaten to expose me each time you become angry with me, no matter how justified that anger might be."

"There is a good chance that I acted in anger," Severus said, "and without giving sufficient thought to my actions."

Remus knew that was a close to an apology as he was likely to get in this matter, though it hardly felt sufficient. For a Slytherin to admit a lack of planning...well, it was a start. "I would like to be able to trust you," he said cautiously. "Promise me that you will never do anything like that again."

"I would ask the same of you," Severus said.

He knew what Severus wanted to hear, but somehow he could not bring himself to say the words. The silence grew thick between them again.

Eventually Severus spoke, his words strained. "The potion. It was effective?"

"What?" Remus asked, both startled by, and grateful for, the change in topic. "Ah, yes. It seemed to work in the way I had been told it would. My mind remained clear throughout the transformation, though that in itself was somewhat...uncomfortable." Uncomfortable was an understatement. He had barely been able to keep himself from panicking when the pain of the transformation had faded and he had found himself, fully aware, in the body of the wolf.

"Uncomfortable in what way?" Severus asked, frowning.

"Even though I knew that the change was approaching, knew what to expect, I wasn't quite prepared for how it would feel." There was no way to explain just how it had felt, not without sounding like a monster. Perhaps it had simply been the fact that he had eaten little on the day of the change, but when the transformation had been complete, he had been starving. He had pressed his nose to the crack beneath his door, inhaling the scents that wafted through the air outside.

He had smelled humans, and the scent had made his mouth salivate, even as his mind screamed in horror at the reaction. The body of the wolf still craved the taste of blood, and though the madness was absent, and he could resist it, the very fact that he had an urge to hunt, to _kill,_ had been enough to terrify him. Somehow he had hoped that the potion would make it so that he still felt human, only in another shape.

Shuddering at the memory, Remus said, "Perhaps in time it will become easier."

Severus stared at him shrewdly for a long moment, as though reading his thoughts. "I spoke with Minerva once, about what it was like to become an Animagus. She told me that she became physically ill the first time she gave in to the urge to catch and eat a mouse. Even with a human mind, there may be certain things that change along with your form; the important thing is that your mind is strong enough to resist them."

Relaxing slightly at the words, Remus forced a smile onto his face. "Does that mean that if you drop by during the full moon," he said, "and I get the wolfish urge to hump your leg, then I shouldn't be worried by it?"

"If you ever attempt that," Severus said with a glare, "then full moon or not, I shall hex you without a second thought."


	10. Chapter Ten

See first chapter for notes and warnings.

-------

When classes had finished for the day, Remus walked towards the dungeons, hoping to find Severus still at work in his office. As luck would have it, he was, though the day had obviously been unkind to him. He was scowling fiercely and his robes showed signs of having been scorched by an explosion of some kind.

Glancing up, Severus waved Remus into a chair before turning back to the letter he was writing. As he wrote, he muttered a few choice phrases under his breath. Phrases that Remus hoped did not make it to the parchment he was writing on. Remus felt a brief sympathy for whomever would be receiving that particular owl.

When he finished, Severus rolled up the scroll and set it aside before rubbing his forehead and muttering, "Days like this I wonder why I ever agreed to take up this thankless position."

"I thought it was for the chance to torture an endless stream of students," Remus said mildly.

"That small pleasure hardly makes up for nearly having all my hair singed off because an idiotic student can't read the instructions properly."

"Awww," Remus said teasingly, "I think the widdle Potion's master needs a hug."

Severus glowered darkly at him. "Unless you want to live out the rest of your life as a small, lopsided turnip, you will never say that again."

Remus propped his feet up on Severus's desk and smiled innocently. "I wouldn't dream of it."

"Humfh." Severus crossed his arms and scowled. "What do you want?"

"You," Remus said, with a rather exaggerated leer.

"You are in an uncommonly good mood today. I find it rather disgusting, actually."

"Yes, it's a bad habit of mind. One of many," Remus said. "I came to see if you wanted to go to Hogsmeade with me tonight for dinner. They're serving turkey in the Great Hall and I despise turkey."

"Fine, I will meet you outside in two hours," Severus said with a dismissive wave of his hand. "Now go away."

Though Remus considered staying to pester Severus for a while longer, he decided not to push his luck, and felt certain that his time would be better spent trying to find a set of robes that didn't look entirely disreputable. He took his time walking back to his quarters, stopping several times to talk with students or other Professors that he met along the way.

Once in his rooms, he surveyed his wardrobe with disgust. He really needed to purchase new robes. Unfortunately, Christmas was fast approaching, and though his list was short, he knew that the gifts he had in mind would take a good chunk of his savings and leave little for new clothing.

Besides, he wanted to save as much of his income as he could for the future. Eventually the truth of his condition would be discovered, and his employment at Hogwarts would not last long once it was. Dumbledore might have full confidence in him, but Remus did not delude himself into thinking that would be enough. Few parents would be pleased to learn that their precious children were being taught by a monster. Such is life.

After dressing in his least tattered robes, and trying unsuccessfully to tame his hair, Remus poured himself a glass of firewhiskey and settled into the chair by the fireplace. Swirling the amber liquid, he mused over the subtle changes that had been taking place in his relationship with Severus. Remus still took a childish delight in tormenting the man, and Severus seemed to enjoy scowling, glaring, and yelling in return. But the open hostility had faded to be replaced by...not affection, certainly. There was still too much history between them for that. Tolerance, perhaps, and of course a healthy dose of pure primal lust.

If he was to be completely honest with himself, Remus had to admit that therein lay the appeal of this...whatever it was. He and Severus could each do with a bit more companionship in their lives, and Merlin knows they could both use a good shag, but in the end it was unlikely that true feelings would be involved. Though it might all dissolve into hexes and bloodshed, that wasn't as troubling a thought as it should have been. Those kinds of scars can be healed with the flick of a wand.

Sighing, Remus rose to his feet, his cheerful mood gone. With one last futile attempt to make his hair behave, he left to go meet Severus. Luckily everyone else was in the Great Hall taking dinner, so there was little chance that anyone would see them leave the castle together. The last thing they needed at this point in their -- whatever it was that was happening between them -- was for the Hogwarts rumour mill to catch wind of it.

When he left the castle, Remus found Severus waiting impatiently outside. He noted absently that Severus had changed his robes. Yes, they all looked exactly the same, but at least these were not singed around the edges. As he drew closer, he saw that he had also washed his hair, which still hung limply around his face even without the coating of oil and potion fumes weighing it down.

He must be planning to get lucky tonight, Remus thought with some degree of amusement.

They started off towards Hogsmeade without speaking, and though the walk was long, the silence between them did not seem uncomfortable. Remus was looking forward to a nice dinner in Hogsmeade, some conversation with Severus, and later, perhaps even something more. Unfortunately, that was not to be.

As soon as they entered the small town, Remus saw the posters. Wanted posters with Sirius's face. They were everywhere. Severus forgotten, Remus walked slowly towards the nearest poster as though in a trance.

Sirius was laughing. How could he still be laughing after all these years? Certainly the dementors would have sucked even the darkest forms of mirth from his soul after a dozen years. Behind the insane laughter, Sirius's eyes were angry, and they seemed to be fixed on Remus, cutting through him and chilling him to the bone.

Remus had to escape that angry glare, and the dreadful accusation it carried. Sirius knew the truth, and this time there would be no forgiveness.

Remus did not hear Severus yelling his name, did not feel the strong grip on his arm as he tried to pull him away from the poster. All he knew was Sirius's anger. Breaking away from Severus, he drew his wand and disapparated.


End file.
